Day of Reckoning

It hurts. It really does. So I guess this is disappointment; this is regret. But what's there to regret? Studying from May onwards wasn't enough, so I should've started in January instead? Or maybe I should've memorised entire textbooks. Perhaps completing whole TYSs from start to finish would've helped push up a grade or two. Then again, more nights slogging it out at the study table while falling asleep, or more afternoons cooped up in the school library? Less talking, less family time, less friend time, more work time?...Honestly, I don't know.

I recall how Mrs Lee SC would always tell us last year, to study hard, so that when we return the following year to collect our results, we would have no room for regret.

But you know what?

The only way to have no room for regret, is none other than to obtain a perfect score. Six. If not, no matter whether or not you felt you had tried your absolute best, you'll start to doubt your abilities, your methods, your intelligence, your level or studiousness, yourself. It's true. And really, I should know.

Standing in line to collect the results as register number twenty six was the hardest and most nerve wrecking thing I've ever had to do. Seriously, put me up on a stage and I'd be less jittery. As I heard screams of joy, saw tears of joy (some perhaps not so joyous), it scared me. I had hopes. Everyone has hopes. I had desires. Everyone has desires. I had a wish, deep down inside - a wish I wanted to be fulfilled. Perfection. Who wouldn't want that? Receiving the two slips of paper from my form teacher was a moment I wanted to go down in History. I wanted it to be one of those split second things that I would remember for the rest of my life, and for a good reason too. Pity though, I spoilt that by what I did next. I went off to the side of the stage, as more packed on to get their results, then slowly, subject by subject, I took in the grades. And when that was done, I retreated backstage, a backstage I'd become so familiar with in my four years at SC, with Drama, a backstage I adored, where I'd laughed and cried...and there I was to cry it out again.

Many people thought it was absolutely ridiculous of me to cry for the aggregate I had attained. Maybe so. But I felt as though I had failed myself. I had failed my teachers. I had failed my parents. I had failed God. Trust me when I say that it sucks to feel like you've let so many people down. Some subjects were worth being happy about, and I was pleased. But some were not. Some that I had invested time and effort into, that I had wanted so badly to do well in, but hadn't. The two most disappointing subjects were Combined Humanities and Biology. I guess that makes it pretty obvious why I'm not taking History and/or Biology now in college. While I can argue that the Humanities are unpredictable (though I still felt a Three was kind of harsh), there's no excuse for me where Biology is concerned. And really, there's such a fine line between a One and a Two, yet it can make all the difference in the world. When I saw the Two, honestly, the first thing that came to mind was the Biology textbook, all my highlighting and underlining, then the image became that of the TYS, the FYS, the many Biology questions I had killed my brains over, those Biology lessons and additional remedial classes, and most of all, the thing that made it hurt the worst: the One during the Prelims. Which only means one thing, and that is that I could've done it. I could've, but I didn't. Just that one subject, all I needed and wanted and hoped for, that elusive One, and there would've been no room for regret, for who can regret anything when you get a Six aggregate? For Chemistry, I knew it'd be bad, but I still hoped. Hoped for a One, hoped for a Two, and got a Three. Always happens. It was worse than the Prelims as well, but for some strange reason, I wasn't as upset as for the other Science. Still it was quite a stab in the heart, though it made clear why I don't take Chemistry anymore either.

The rest of the day passed in a split second. It was completely whirlwind like. Pray, stop crying, contact Mom, cry some more, pray, stop crying, comfort others, get comforted, get called "ridiculous", "stupid", "silly", meet some people who understood exactly how I felt, meet the teachers (I really wasn't sure if I wanted to do this - I kind of ended up getting dragged along by a very enthusiastic Majella), leave SC, hop into a cab and scoot back to AC, change into blacks, collect tickets and direct people upstairs, watch Night of Laughter and laugh for a bit, call Mom, wait for Mom, get into the car, talk to Mom, cry some more, get home, get a call from cell (and hear of more 6 pointer stories), go into the toilet, cry some more, stop crying, pray, eat dinner, drown my sorrows in fruits, bathe, go online intending to blog, end up falling asleep at the computer table, get up, set my alarm clock, and finally, off to bed for real. Not to forget that the whole day was littered with smses from wonderful friends, sweet seniors, some very kind and concerned teachers and amazing parents.

Well, the day was over in a flash. You'd think it stops there, but no. Waking up this morning, it's a new day, you realise, but somehow it still hurts. So this is what people are referring to when they say 'heavy hearted'. Seriously, it's like your heart actually put on weight or something - I can feel it sinking it my chest. Talk about weird. Gosh, it feels strange. Not good.

Despite all the unhappiness that came with yesterday's release of results, I've been praying, and telling myself repeatedly that if it's God's will, then one hundred percent yes, it's my desire too. And at the end of the day, it's really not what I want, or we want, but it's what God wants. The feeling of disappointment and the tinge of regret isn't going to leave me any time soon, but I trust in God's grace, that He will carry me through. And like it was said many times yesterday, everything happens for a reason. Sure, I may not understand the reason now, but maybe in the future...Yup, maybe then I'll get it.

To my group of wonderful friends: Lorraine, Fuzzeh, Shan, OP, Su Yin, Jessica - Congratulations! In particular, Lorraine: You're an amazing girl, and truth be told, I always knew you had it in you. You're intelligent and really hardworking, and this Six is something you deserve. It's YOURS. The first time seeing you cry for joy yesterday was what I'd call a once in a lifetime experience - Lorraine! Cry! The two words don't quite go together, if you know what I mean. But definitely, congratulations. Like Shan said, you're our success story, and I'm so proud of you; really, really, really happy for you. Thanks for all the notes you've shared with me these past couple of years in Secondary School, and GO! Take RJ by storm. They didn't want you then, but they'll be dying to have you now. I'm so glad you've proved them wrong. Once again, congrats! To the rest of you guys: I genuinely congratulate each and every one of you, and I'm so happy for you guys. Really, I am. Hope yesterday's letter said enough, and I'll be seeing you all tonight, so...till then!

To the new friends I've made in AC (AHers and DEPers especially): Congratulations to all who are happy with their results (you Six pointer AH people are way too smart for me! Haha!), and to those who aren't, it's alright. We all face disappointment and unhappiness sometimes (I'm a perfect example now, aren't I?), but I believe everything will work out in the end, as long as we trust in God and have faith. Well, thanks 1AH and the first intake of DEP students, for having made the first month of AC life a fun and enjoyable time for me. You guys are great.

To the greatest teachers on earth who hail from SC (majority of whom will probably never read this, but anyway): I can do nothing but express my heartfelt gratitude to all you wonderful people. All that time and effort invested into teaching us, moulding us as people - it's you all who have made me proud to wear the SC uniform, the SC badge and just to be the SC girl. I'm very sorry to those teachers whom I've felt that I've let down. But no matter what, thank you. A HUGE thank you. I'll be dashing back to SC at every possible moment to bask in the amazing spirt of the best school in the whole wide world, and truly, school would never have been so enjoyable, had it not been for you guys! THANK YOU (and you and you and you and you and YOU)!

And now, for a conclusion (practising for General Paper, you could say).

Sitting down here in front of the computer this morning, I've realised how abundantly blessed I am. Right there in front of me, was a box, and an envelope reading "Les". A card and a bible from my parents. Reading the card made me tear a little again (like the swollen eyes aren't bad enough, considering I've to go back to AC for dance in just a while) - truly, I'm SO blessed. Such wonderful parents God has given me, that even if the results have been disappointing, I ought to be happy, for I have great friends, superb teachers, and most important of all, the best parents ever.

And my God will meet all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:19

Thank you, everyone.