Love, Loss, And Everything In Between.

Feeling a little queer on my way home two nights ago, I stopped by the playground behind the bus stop outside my place for some private time. For a park which tends to be filled with either kids, maids, dogs or construction workers, it was unusually quiet. ...Then again, it was nearing eleven, and the roads leading into my estate were generally void of people.

I climbed into the covered space of the playhouse like thing, and sat there, all by myself, staring out into the night. Then I closed my eyes for a while, to think, and to take in the surroundings, sans the visual. Relaxing, calming...well thank goodness for the rapidly drying contact lenses, or I would definitely have fallen asleep. Opening my eyes and looking ahead of me, something on the opposite wall of the playhouse caught my attention. Scrambling over (not very dignified, I know, but I was excited!) to take a closer look, I saw these words written in permanent marker on the yellow background: "Till Death Do Us Part, My Darling". Suddenly thrilled at having found evidence of what appeared to be true love in this fallen world (or better yet, evidence perhaps, of that couple I'd seen making out in there, come to think of it, about a year ago now), I whipped out the trusty handphone to take a shot. After a couple of clicks from different angles, I turned to my left for some reason, only to see yet another declaration of love, now on the blue side of the playhouse. A heart shape, within which, the words: "Love You Forever". Okay, so maybe this one was a little cheesy, but it was refreshing nonetheless. From carving couples' names into trees with knives in the old days, it now seemed to me that playgrounds and permanent markers were the new in thing. As I turned around to crawl back into my corner after inspecting piece of evidence number two, lo and behold, what should I see on that very surface I'd been resting on, but another TWO love notes. One read: "On the side of me", and the other - which I felt to be the most romantic of the four - "You'll never walk alone". As I continued to capture the images, I figured they'd all probably been written by the same person. Or couple. And despite thinking of the possibility that it could've been that terrible making out couple (VERY public display of affection, if you get my drift - horrified me as a young secondary four student from a single sex school), I began to feel all...I don't know, warm and fuzzy inside. Think noble, there's hope yet for humanity kind of thing. And yet...somewhat heavy hearted. Weird. Kind of...indescribable.

Well, I figured it was getting rather late, and I didn't want mom to worry. So with all the evidence packed into my handphone, I got up and left, leaving the park and playground in all its quiet stillness behind.

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Yesterday evening was one spent at the Esplanade library, dedicated to searching for DEP IS scripts with Yin Ling and Roxanne (who was only there to make her presence felt, haha). Flipping through the shelves with no one particular thing I was searching for, considering I have yet to decide even on what IS I'm going for - straight acting? Or devised? Help. - I began to simply pick out titles that piqued my interest. Three of these with interesting text within, were 'Fat Pig', 'Restless and Other Plays' and 'Private Parts & other play things'. Yes indeed, this says a lot about things that interest me. We'll stop there.

No, but. Some of the passages in the scripts are truly...thought provoking, and just...wow (ah, see, vocabulary range has expanded considerably post promos). Below are some extracts from the books. Do have a read. They're all pretty good.

from Private Parts & other play things - Love & Belachan

Rule number one: If the man of your choice looks in your direction, always look down slightly but half-smile as you do so. Do not pout your lips and look at the ceiling. Look submissive and do not intimidate the other party.

Rule number two: If the man of your choice approaches you, look shy but say hello. Do not act coy. Be natural. Smile.

How to break the ice with the man of your choice. If you're at a party, try discussing the music. Ask him what music he likes. Act casual. Do not feel intimidated.

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from Fat Pig

Helen: So, look, I figure there's every reason why I'll never hear from you again, and that's why I came back here, just to say that I don't do this, come after guys or anything, not like some regular habit or whatever, so I thought you should know that. I think you're really cute and nice and that sort of thing...you might have a girlfriend already or not be attracted to me, I would just totally understand that, I would, but I really do hope you call me. Just even to talk on the phone would be fine, because I'd like that, if we were only these phone buddies...I think I would. Just don't be afraid, Tom, I guess that's why I came back here, to say that. Please do not let yourself be afraid of me or of taking some kind of blind chance, or what people think...because this could be so great.

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from Fat Pig

Helen: I'm not looking for a fairy-tale or out-of-the-ballpark or anything...just a person who cares about me like I do him. Simple.

Tom: ...Love isn't simple. It's...never having to say you're sorry.

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from Fat Pig

Helen: Right. Okay...(Beat.) Tom, you are aware that I like you. You already know that.

Tom: Yes.

Helen: But I get the feeling...I mean, it is now pretty obvious that there are some problems here. Issues, or whatever. And we need to get over them or...well, you know. Things that I don't wanna think about.

Tom: I guess.

Helen: Please, you need to stay in this. Focused on it, so don't drift off or anything. I love you so much, I really do, Tom. Feel a connection with you that I haven't allowed myself to dream of, let alone be a part of, in so long. Maybe ever. But I can't be with you if you're feeling something other than that same thing that I am...completely and utterly open to that other person. I don't know what to say here, Tom...I'm worried sick. Look at me...when did you ever see me not eat a hot dog that was placed in front of me? Huh? (Tries to chuckle.) I know you hate those jokes, sorry, but I'm...Tom, tell me about it. I know you're thinking something, so we might as well just...one more thing. Just this. And I've never said this to anyone, not any other person in the world. Ever. My parents or a...no one. I would change for you. I would. I don't mean Slim-Fast or that one diet that the guy on TV did...with the sandwiches from Subway. That guy...

Tom: Helen...that...that's not...

Helen: I'll do something radical to myself if you want me to. Like be stapled or have some surgery or whatever it takes - one of those rings - because I do not want this to end. I'm willing to do that, because of what you mean to me. The kind of, just, ecstasy that you've brought me. So...I just wanted you to know that.

Tom sits there, taking it all in. Looking off. She nudges him with an elbow.

Helen: This would be an excellent time to say something sweet to me. If you at all care about my feelings.

Tom: I know. I'm...(Beat.) Helen, that was such a nice thing to offer.

Helen: Oh-my-God...

Tom: What?

Helen: I just...the way you worded that right then, in the past tense. It scared me.

Tom: No, I just...it is. Really. And I appreciate it so much.

Helen: But what? (Beat.) Gosh, I wish those thousand ships would show up right about now...

Tom: Yeah. (Tries to smile.) Look, Helen...I've been thinking...

Helen: Okay.

Tom: I think you are an amazing woman, I honestly do. And I really love what we have here. Our times together...but I think that maybe, you know, some time would be good here, or if you were to, I'm not sure...maybe take that job. It might tell us if we're...I dunno.

Helen: Oh...(Beat.) Wow, that's a bit of a...you know...I mean, why would I do that?

Helen tries to continue but Tom stops her. Waits.

Tom: Listen...If we were in some other time or a land that nobody else was around on...like that island from the movie, the Sinatra film - None but the Brave - then everything might be okay, I wouldn't be so f***ing paranoid about what the people around me were saying. Or even thinking. Then it could just be you and me, and that'd be so great. Perfect. But...I guess I do care what my peers feel about me. Or how they view my choices, and yes, maybe that makes me not very deep or petty or some other word, hell, I dunno! It's my Achilles flaw or something. I'm...

Tom stops for a moment, regrouping. Helen tries to speak.

Helen: Tom, don't do this, okay? Please don't. We can, I dunno...we...

Tom: No, I need to...if I stop now I'm not gonna be able to...finish, so I'm...(Beat.) Helen...things are so tricky, life is. I know now I'm not really deserving of you, of all you have to offer me. I can see that now. I want to be better, to do good and better things and to make a proper sort of decision here, but I...I can't. I cannot do it. I mean, I could barely drive here today because of...my hands were shaking the whole time. They were. Jumping up and down on the wheel there. And these are all people that I know! That I...I'm just not gonna be able to do this, on like, a daily basis. (Starts to cry.) God...look at me! It's...I'm sorry about this and I wish that I was saying what you wanna hear. I do. That would make me really happy, to please another person right now. I mean, a person that I'm feeling this...love for. Yeah, love. But sometimes it just isn't enough. You know? All this love inside and it's not nearly enough to get around the shit that people heave at you...I feel like I'm drowning in it - shit - and I don't think I can...I don't wanna fight it anymore. I am just not strong enough for that, so I'm gonna lie on my back for a while and float. See if I can keep my head above the surface. (Beat.) I guess that's what I needed to say to you. That I'm not brave. I'm not. I know you want me to be...always believed that I can be, but I'm a weak and fearful person, Helen, and I'm not gonna get any better. Not any time soon, at least...

They sit quietly, not touching. Tom is still tearful.

Helen: But that's...it's something we could work on, right...can't we, Tom? Right?

Tom: ...No. I don't think I can.

Helen begins to cry. Tom continues to cry as well. Big, rolling tears as they both stare out to sea.

Silence. Darkness.

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Walking home after the Esplanade escapade last night, there was a sort of swirling post rain mist around me, and the roads were still wet. With the iPod plugged in, me moving slowly along, a car zoomed right past. Without a clue as to why, I suddenly felt a strange sensation of being...left behind. I watched the car speed off. Then I looked down. At the wet gravel. And even though I'm sure nothing of the sort was happening, it seemed to me as though the rainwater was seeping slowly past me. The feeling of being left behind hit me again. Honestly, I had no idea where are all the illusions were coming from. Shaking it off, I concentrated on the music. Interesting, the song that was playing. 'Here Without You' by 3 Doors Down (and Shan gasps at the fact that I actually do listen to other songs besides Disney and Grease).

I’m here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

And the first thought that popped into my mind, was...What a sad theme. I mean. "Here without you"? "Lonely"? Hmm.

Imagine ten years down the road, a couple no longer together meet again in a restaurant, and over the speakers, this plays. Hey, the guy goes, that's our song, remember? And the girl replies, yeah. Who could forget?

Then an awkward silence.

And a bitter laugh.

I imagine they'll never see each other again after that.

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...Okay. Goodness. This is such a chopped up and not nicely put together entry. Such a mish mash of random things - thoughts, feelings and all, and I'm tying them together with the single idea of 'Love, Loss, And Everything In Between'. Ah well.

On a parting note though, does true love really exist?

KI students, it's your call.