Or Lack Thereof.

It's amazing you know, how it mirrors nearly exactly what I've been feeling. Maybe that's why I share an inexplicable connection to it; perhaps that's the reason why the emotions can flow so freely, so easily. When I'm leaping, falling, turning. It speaks to me. Call it drawing from the past. Or possibly the present.

But you know what? I'm getting better. Getting better at detaching myself. At forgetting. At erasing. At hating. At convincing myself about so many things that will once and for all, so successfully, tear me away from this undesirable baggage.

Then once again, the memories strike, and always at the times when I come so close, this close, to leaving it all behind. And I just can't control it. It's beyond me. Which, to be honest? Sucks. To not be in control of your own life, your own feelings, is one of the worst possible things to experience.

And so is being left hanging. No closure. No answers, no explanations, no last words - nothing. Which makes me wonder if anything even happened at all. Perhaps it never began so there wasn't a need for an ending. Maybe it was just me. Maybe it is just me. Thinking of stories, making things up. I'm good for that, I realised.

Oh but this could well be the last straw. Because I seriously hate it. I hate how I allow myself to be taken in, to believe in something that doesn't exist, to feel for something that isn't there, to trust in a complete, absolute lie. I'm angry - with no one but myself.

Well, sometimes it seems that things start looking up and hey, maybe there's a new path for me to take, a new direction to face, a new route to be walked. But if it's blocked? And why do I still wait for the chance to walk the old road? Even if the new street denies me entry, that's no reason to backtrack. Unless I never veered off the path in the first place. Which just brings me back to square one, doesn't it?

But even then, nothing stays the same. The old road has changed. It's different now. Changed for the worse. Everything has.

He's the Alpha and Omega,
The beginning and the end.
But best of all
He's my best friend.

You know, I guess at the end of the day, there stands the possibility of everything and everyone failing us. All but Him, becuase He NEVER fails us. Never EVER.

Sometimes though? I really wish I could just forget.

Maybe my questions don't need answers.

Whatever.

I wish I didn't care.

(And by the way, yes - you're not supposed to understand this, so don't even attempt it.)