Like A Soggy Brown Mess

Founder's Day dinner the night before last.

A chance to perform at the dinner - this was a valuable opportunity, given to me not just by Raj and the Madams, but also by God. It was one I treasured, one I was supposed to make good use of. But I botched it, screwed it, messed it up.

Yes, this is not a deep and meaningful post, neither is it laugh-out-loud funny, because honestly, I'd need to feel in an at least relatively happy mood to attempt one of those. You got it. This is merely a venting of frustrations, an outpouring of sadness, a reveal-all of just how disappointed I am in myself. But I guess in releasing the pent up emotions through use of the written (or rather, typed) word, I'm trying to sort things out and put stuff in perspective. This has to work. It needs to.

Or well, if it doesn't, I'll just have to suffer fear and trepidation of one choreographer and at least two teachers for the next two years, and be plagued with a bad memory for the rest of my life. Alternatively, I've got a window on my right now, beside the computer table. Pity it's grilled and locked. Plus I'm only on the second storey. Sigh - busted.

There were many things about this God-given opportunity that made me realise the extent of challenges presented. Firstly, a friend and I were new additions to a group that had worked together countless times before - a group made up of three teachers (it's a sacred, frigging scary word, I tell you) and one very professional and experienced JC2 senior. In addition, this friend of mine is one who's shining in Dance (which would be the opposite of myself), thereby effectively making me the weakest link and the most out of place in the entire sequence. Many a time, actually, I did wonder why I was there; why choose me? Yup, talk about confidence issues. But I figured it was all a part of God's plan, and the fact that they had placed their faith and trust in me to perform...I wanted to justify it and let them know that they hadn't made a wrong choice. Well, secondly, there was the issue of having to a do a slow, partner dance, to a song with lyrics that had to do with love and beauty (and all those sweet and wonderful things) with male (much as I wouldn't have minded, nope, I wasn't allowed to indulge in a lesbian relationship) teachers. For someone who's already male-o-phobic, and slowly becoming teacher-o-phobic too, that's not the best plan you can give me. But I tried - I really did - to relax a little and bring in some chemistry. Note: I tried. I mean, it was tough! What do you expect? For one thing, I've never had prior experience in any of the areas this dance covered - 'slow dance', 'partner', 'male', 'teachers', 'senior', 'love'. Well, yes. I tried. Whether or not it worked is another thing altogether. Thirdly, there was the problem of time. We had two rehearsals in total to both learn the dance and practise it, with the whole process beginning on Monday, and us scheduled to perform on Thursday. I know the rest have probably had lots of experience doing such things, and I suppose it was my lack of it that made me nervous. Perhaps more rehearsals would've calmed me a down a little, but it was not a liberty I could take here. It simply wasn't possible.

Actually, I rather enjoyed the rehearsal process, even though it was very short. There was lots of suaning (is there even an English equivalent that can bring out the full meaning of this word?), tons of laughs, new nicknames and, I'd like to believe, a certain degree of bonding. Though maybe my kick-ass performance (hah, as if) totally killed that. I admit there were difficulties, and I now have battle scars, otherwise known as bruises - knees (from rolling around on the floor), and sides of my stomach where the ribcage is (from all the lifting and carrying - they are by far the most impressive bruises I've ever had), but it was truly fun and provided me with so much exposure.

There were so many reasons why I wanted to do my best to make this dance work, not only for myself in making the best of a wonderful opportunity, but also for other people - for my three partners, to do what I knew would be their excellent performances justice; for the other two females, to not be such a stark contrast because of my inabilities so we could all shine together; for the choreographer, to truly perform his dance and do him proud and to let him see that his confidence in me was not misplaced; for the teachers, to make them happy and pleased; for the rest of Theatre, them all banking on this performance to hopefully impress and therefore boost ticket sales for West Side.

But I disappointed. I disappointed the five others involved in the dance, I disappointed our esteemed choreographer, I disappointed the teachers, I disappointed the seniors and my contemporaries in Theatre, I disappointed myself. And at times I even felt as if I'd disappointed the Lord, for not making the best of an opportunity He had blessed me with.

Coming off the stage that night, I knew I had screwed up, and I knew that it was me that had messed up the whole performance. I knew it. What made it worse, I guess, was the fact that I actually received an uninvited confirmation from a dinner guest cum audience member. There're some of the phrases he used that I think I'll never be able to erase from mind, "the least confident", "could see it in your eyes", "I told the principle, see, all the rest are okay, except...", "unsure of your steps", "must bullshit your way through...all the others were quite good at bullshitting, but...". You'd think I had gone up there and stood stock still for the entire dance or something. Well, I did appreciate his comments (though they were nothing but criticisms), because I suppose they were at least honest, which would've been better than lying through his teeth and telling me I performed amazingly. Still, it hurt real bad, partly because he was telling me all this in front of some other people, and especially since I had to listen attentively, nod and thank him out of pure courtesy. For telling me I was lousy. Beat that.

Going to school the next day was torture. I was hoping against hope that I wouldn't meet the teachers/others who had danced, because I was too embarrassed and ashamed of myself for puting up a sub-standard performance the previous night, and I knew I'd be even more so in their presence. As fate would have it, however, I kept seeing them wherever I went in the school. Of all days to keep bumping into the Sirs and Madams, it just had to be the day after Founder's Day. Oh, and you know how when something's on your mind, it sudddenly seems as though whatever people say, it's referring to you and that issue? Yup. Yesterday was precisely like that. Some things said sounded like criticisms, while others sounded like a comfort of sorts, but either way, it just sucked to constantly be reminded of something I was trying so hard to forget. It was bad.

But then one simple thing made everything so much better. Can you believe it? All that crap and feeling like a soggy brown mess (yes, the stuff that plops into the bowl from your rear end - I'm determined not to use vulgarities, okay) and just ONE thing managed to brighten up the day, even if just a little. After DEP class on Friday (during which I could hardly bring myself to look Mister Ibrahim in the eye. Gahh), I decided to go for Christian Fellowship then head straight to church for cell group, rather than go home first as I had originally planned, and boy am I glad I made that choice, because it made such a difference to how I had been feeling. Worship was absolutely heavenly, and it was at CF yesterday evening that I finally let everything out. So there I was singing and praying and crying and looking ridiculous as usual, but honestly, I couldn't care less, because remembering God's love and pouring everything out to Him made my heart so much lighter. Thinking about the fiasco that night that was the dance at Founder's Day dinner still sucks, but knowing that every little thing that happens in my life is a contributary factor to God's bigger plan for me, and that He's got everything under control is so truly reassuring, such that I can't help but feel comforted. Isn't He wonderful?

There is a longing
Only You can fill
A raging tempest
Only You can still
My soul is thirsty, Lord
To know You as I'm known
Drink from the river
That flows before Your throne

Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to know you more and more
How I long to be deeper in love

Sunrise to sunrise
I will seek Your face
Drawn by the Spirit
To the promise of Your grace
My heart has found in You
A hope that will abide
Here in Your presence
Forever satisfied

Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in your embrace
Take me deeper
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to know You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love