An Unfortunate Audience

Have you ever tried peeing with someone staring straight at you?

Well I hadn't, but lucky me, because I got to do just that yesterday, and not with a fellow human staring at me, but rather, a cat. And not just one cat, but TWO. Yes, that would be TWO cats eyeing me as I went through the whole unmentionable process of completing a certain very important business.

I was visiting someone's house yesterday, when I asked to use the toilet. Closing the door of the restroom behind me, imagine my horror when I turned around to be faced with two creepy looking felines glaring up at me. I know I'd been told to "just ignore" what was in the toilet, but honestly? I wasn't quite prepared for this.

Anyhow, I figured since these docile creatures (which looked rather monstrous to me, actually) were the loves of this lady's life (the one whose house I was visiting, and whose toilet I was now locked in), it wouldn't be quite so polite of me if I opened the door to chase them out right in her line of sight. In other words, I just had to continue with the urgent matter at hand, cats or no cats.

Feeling rather self-conscious with the two things having nothing else to do in the small cubicle but look at me unzipping my pants (did feel a tad sorry for them), I smiled at them, embarrassed, as if I was invading their territory or something. The way they couldn't take their freakishly evil eyes of me though, I believe they were thinking the exact same thing.

So there I was, willing my bladder to cooperate with me so that I could just hurry up - really wanted to kick myself at that point for having drunk so much water earlier - when one of them started advancing towards me. Now, I love animals. I really do. Dogs, giraffes, lions, polar bears, monkeys, whatever, give them to me. But NOT when I'm in the midst of an excretion process, feeling suffocated enough as it is within the four walls of a toilet. I mean, imagine a lion standing opposite you as you're sitting on the bowl - nope, it ain't gonna be the most pleasant experience, I can tell you that, and believe me, coming from the same family, a cat isn't all that different.

In a purely normal reaction to such a calamity that was about to befall me, i.e. the cat jumping up and biting what it could reach, then ripping me open to get at what it couldn't, I started to freak out. Deciding to employ what I call 'The Bunsen Burner', I started talking to the creature, much like how I'm always pleading with my bunsen burner to light up during Chemistry practical lessons. Slowly (you know, just in case it couldn't understand me), and very sweetly, I began telling it to please turn around and go over to the door, where its friend was, and also tried to assure it that I was going to be done very soon (I certainly hoped so, anyway), so please please please please PLEASE just wait a while more. Surprisingly, it seemed to work, because while she (the boy cat was too busy licking his privates - see, I was initially rather absorbed in this outward display of affection, until the she cat decided that I was getting too much of a good show) didn't turn around and head in the opposite direction, she did stop in her path and proceed to sit down.

Oh, you should have seen me thanking her.

Doing the speediest zip-up of pants and washing of hands the minute I was done on the bowl, I dashed to the toilet door as fast as I could, then threw open the door...and walked out, a picture of calm - heaving HUGE sighs of relief inside, that I was alive and well and in one piece.

My advice: when you need to use the toilet at someone else's place, and the host asks you to "just ignore whatever's in the toilet", please, do find out exactly what the "whatever" is. You absolutely have to know what you're getting yourself into.