Alone Time

Caught an episode of Numbers on AXN for the first time today (26/8, Saturday), and something that the main character said in this episode really set me thinking (not just about how he is so amazingly intelligent and good at Math! If I was like him, I wouldn't have to even look at my formulas or practice doing Math prelim papers, and I'd be scoring straight As. Oh well, maybe in my next life). Basically, it's that everyone needs to have their own private space; somewhere where they can be most comfortable with who they are. It could be out there, just being with everyone else, or maybe somewhere deep inside your head. In the case of the Numbers guy, it was doing Math, I suppose. In the case of his dead mother, music was that thing; that place where she could be herself.

I guess it's pretty true. Some people are genuine party animals, and being out there IS being themselves. But for many of us, even if we do enjoy spending our time in the company of others, socialising and having fun, I think there just comes a time when we need to withdraw for a while, to be ourselves, who we really are. No, this doesn't mean that we're hypocrites most of the time, neither are we constantly deluding ourselves - it's more like a time we need to reflect, to think, to refocus. It's a sort of alone time, in our own private little space, where we find ourselves.

Family and friends are dearest to me, and being able to spend some good quality time with them always means so much. Yet there are times when I'd really rather just be alone, doing things that allow me to take a step back, relax for a bit, think about the wonderful things in my life that I should always be thankful for, refocus on what's important, recharge, then go out there again and live life.

Often it's the little things and seemingly unimportant moments in my life that constitute this private space and alone time. I play the piano, but that's not it for me. I used to dance, but that wasn't it either. Watching television is more like leisure time rather than alone time, so that isn't right. I think in my case, there isn't one defining activity or time of day that's all about being me. There's just these little pockets of time in the course of each 24hour day, each of which is a time when I get to really just be myself - for real. No facades, nothing hidden. Not that I'm usually not myself, but there's just something different in being alone that really means I can have zero inhibitions. I don't think many of us can go out there and proclaim that in interacting with others, be it in school, at work, even with our closest family and friends, that we have zero inhibitions; that we are really, truly and honestly, ourselves.

I know I can't.

Alone time to me can be when I'm studying. Really, sometimes it's when I'm sitting at my study table, textbook flipped open, highlighter in hand, or Math paper in front of me, pen poised, calculator within reach (sadly, I'm not the Numbers guy), with my age old discman beside me (nope, nothing more high tech than that), inside which is a spinning CD - ABBA (many would think I lived in my parents' time, but quite often it's really the oldies that are the goodies), Grease (best songs ever), Disney (reliving every kid's fantasies, including my own), etc. Ironic, but it's actually pretty relaxing.

Or sometimes it's just before I go to bed. Head sunk deep into my pillow, blanket pulled up high, hugging my bolster tight, when I say a prayer, then think of the day that's just passed - all the good things that happened, and the not so good things too. Quite often, I find myself thinking about everything under the sun, from really funny thoughts that I might have already shared with close friends, to my own secrets that only God and I know. It's strangely calming just to think through all these things, then go to bed after that, and let it all play out in a dream.

Then at other times, it's when I'm taking the long walk in to my house after a long, tiring day at school. Or perhaps those evenings when I do go jogging. There's something to be said about being by yourself, taking in the fresh (sometimes not so fresh) air, having all sorts of thoughts running through your mind. Occasionally, I can even be talking to myself in my head, so much so that it distracts me from the walk or run that I don't even realise when I'm tired. Amazing.

Being out there with the crowd, making friends, having some family time - it's all important. But it's also essential that we take a step back into our own world at times, whatever this world may be for each individual. Everyone needs their private space and alone time, somewhere where they can be most comfortable with who they are and can amidst the fast paced and complicated world that we live in, truly be themselves.